


You Want Me to Do What?

by RangerLauren



Series: Carnaberg Heck [5]
Category: Cuphead (Video Game)
Genre: Also I can't come up with names, Cagney regrets everything, Djimmi has lost his mind, F/M, Foreshadowing wow boi, Gen, Issues arise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 03:53:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15016112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RangerLauren/pseuds/RangerLauren
Summary: Djimmi teaches Cagney the art of flirting in an interesting way.





	You Want Me to Do What?

**Author's Note:**

> Woah we back again bois
> 
> Sorry this is late I've been on vacation the past couple weeks lol
> 
> Things happen here so that makes up for it right
> 
> Anyway hope you guys enjoyyyyy

With a dramatic wave of his hands, Djimmi opened the entrance to his pyramid. He moved aside to let Cagney in before following, raising the door behind them. His small army of cats walked up to greet them with sparkling eyes and a chorus of cheerful meows.

“Hello, little ones,” he cooed, setting his carpet down on the floor so he could pet them. They climbed all over his legs and batted the tassels of the rug. “Did you miss me? Yes, I bet you did.”

From behind him, Cagney let out a snort.

“Don't judge me because I love them,” Djimmi retorted lightly without looking back. The carpet rose into the air again, this time with his cats in tow, and floated into the living area. “Want anything?”

Cagney plopped onto the familiar sofa and shrugged indifferently. “Some water, I guess. Desert’s dry as hell.”

Djimmi obliged, conjuring up the drink in the kitchen before handing it to him. The carnation took a sip, only to nearly choke when one of the cats jumped off the carpet and into his lap.

“Aww, Jasmine remembers you,” Djimmi chuckled.

“Unfortunately,” Cagney hissed, although he made no move to push the cat away.

Djimmi hovered out into the middle of the room and folded his hands in his lap. “So,” he began, “our first lesson starts now. Are you nervous?”

Cagney hesitated. “...Should I be?”

“Yes,” stated Djimmi, enjoying the look of genuine fear on the carnation’s face. “Don't worry, we’re starting small today.”

“Why do I doubt that?” Cagney snarked.

“I promise this time.” Djimmi thought for a moment, deciding on how to start. He had to tread lightly, lest he set Cagney off. “Listen, my friend. We both understand that you are...not exactly known for your kindness.”

Cagney, thankfully, didn't seem to take offense to that. “Tell me about it.”

Djimmi took that as an invitation to continue. “Naturally, you spitting suggestive comments left and right will come across as...well, extremely odd. So, I'm going to teach you the art of subtlety.”

“Can’t wait,” Cagney drawled.

“Hey, none of that negativity here,” Djimmi scolded lightly. “It's not that bad. Subtlety, in my opinion, is actually the best way to win someone over. And you, my friend, are already pretty good at it: in the platonic way, at least.

“In order to impress her the subtle way, you need to take note of the little things. If she gets a haircut, tell her it looks nice. Remember what she orders in restaurants. Mention something you found in the newspaper you think she might be interested in.”

Cagney soured at him. “Hilda’s not into sappy stuff like that.”

Djimmi chuckled. “Oh, please. Everyone likes to be complimented in some shape or form. It all depends on how you deliver it. You two tease each other all the time, correct?”

“Yeah?”

“So if you disguise the little compliments as casual banter, it will be much more genuine, especially coming from you. It won’t come across as overbearing, but she’ll get the message all the same,” the genie explained.

Cagney raised an eyebrow as he started to absentmindedly pet the cat in his lap. “That...sorta makes sense, actually.”

“See? I know what I’m talking about.” Djimmi rubbed his hands together, already anticipating the next few hours. “Now, the only way to teach you is with practice.”

“Practice?” Cagney echoed. “What the heck am I supposed to practice on? A broom?”

Djimmi laughed. “Of course not. It’ll be on an actual person.”

Cagney narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “You said you didn't tell anyone else about...all this.”

“I didn't,” Djimmi lied smoothly. “You’ll be practicing on me.”

Cagney held up his hands defensively. “Woah there, buddy. I don't swing that way.”

“Do you really want me to call over Cala or Bon Bon?”

“...I guess this’ll be fine.” Cagney sighed. “It’s just weird, y’know? You don't look anything like her.”

“I’ve gotten that part figured out already. Don't worry, old sport, this plan has worked flawlessly for dozens before you. It’s guaranteed to make you an expert!”

\---

“You’ve _got_ to be kidding me.”

Djimmi fluffed up the short brown wig that replaced his turban and cast him a questioning glance. “What?”

Cagney looked disturbed. “I didn't think it was possible, but you actually made everything worse.”

Jasmine, the cat on Cagney’s lap, heard the commotion and let out a tired yawn. She promptly shot up and made a beeline for the stairs upon seeing her owner in such a state.

“I didn't get all dressed up for nothing,” Djimmi huffed, gesturing to his now-red vest and the pink-tinted lamps on his feet. “Oh, wait. I forgot one more thing.” 

He snapped his fingers, and a weathervane cap similar to Hilda’s appeared on top of the wig. He spun the arrow around a few times while a few of his cats watched in mild interest. “Better?”

“No,” Cagney stated bluntly.

“Well I can’t shapeshift, so what do you want me to do?”

“Anything but this.”

“Maybe it’ll be easier if I sound like her.” Djimmi cleared his throat and started speaking two octaves higher than normal, batting his eyelashes while trying his best to impersonate the sylph. “Hey Cags. How’s it hangin’?”

He thought he did pretty well, but Cagney apparently disagreed and instead scowled deeply. “She does _not_ sound like that,” he complained.

“Well-”

“Are you making fun of her?”

“Nope!” Djimmi noticed the dangerous ground he was treading on and quickly backtracked, reverting back to his normal voice. “Okay, so maybe my voice needs a little work.”

“Uh-huh.” Cagney glared daggers at him. “Can't you just conjure up a hologram of her or somethin’?”

Djimmi could definitely do so, of course, but that wasn't the point of the exercise. “I know what I’m doing,” he said simply.

“Clearly not, if you think this is going to help me,” Cagney argued.

“That’s because you’re not taking this as seriously as you should,” Djimmi said.

“How can I when you’re looking like that?” Cagney pointed out. “Just…” 

He trailed off, rubbing his temples with a groan of frustration. Djimmi watched with bated breath, hoping this didn't end with the carnation leaving. He knew that this tactic, while effective, was at first a little appalling to most of his clients. He was able to convince most of them to follow through, but Cagney was stubborn.

After a few minutes, Cagney straightened up and stared him hard in the eye. “Fine.”

Djimmi blinked. “What?”

“I’ll do your stupid lesson,” Cagney said.

The genie was taken aback. He didn't think it would be that easy. “Uh-”

“Just tell me what to do so we can get this over with,” Cagney continued grumpily.

Djimmi recovered from his shock and beamed. This was certainly going a lot better than he thought it would. “Aww, you’re coming around. That’s great!”

Cagney rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

Djimmi took a moment to calm down before continuing; this was an exciting time, after all. “Pretend I’m Hilda. We’re going to start by making you more comfortable when complimenting her, and then we’ll work on making it subtle. It’s important to think about what you want to say before twisting the words.”

“Sure, yeah.” Cagney looked him over again, still appearing reluctant. “You sure there’s no other way?”

“You said you were going to do it,” Djimmi reminded him.

“I know.” Cagney pinched the bridge of his pointed nose. “God, I can’t believe I’m actually doing this,” he grumbled under his breath.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Djimmi said.

Cagney sat quietly for a minute, contemplating on what to say. He then rolled his eyes and accepted his fate. “You have nice eyes, I guess.”

Despite himself, Djimmi couldn't help but let out a brief snort. Soon after, he collapsed into bouts of hysterical laughter, doubling over and nearly causing his wig to fly off his head.

“Hey!” Cagney protested, turning bright red.

Djimmi tried in vain to calm down. “Sorry, sorry,” he snickered, wiping a tear away. “Just…woo, I love this lesson.”

\---  
The dolphin swam at a leisurely pace, enjoying the warmth the summer sun provided. He hummed a little tune to himself. It was nice to get away from the rest of the pod sometimes; they could get a tad obnoxious.

He leaped above the surface and spotted a seagull perched on a buoy a little ways away. He was chatting enthusiastically with a beluga whale, who looked rather bored.

“Hey guys,” he greeted as he made his way over to them.

The whale brightened upon seeing him approach, sticking her head up more. “Randy, hi!”

“How have you been, ol’ pal?” the seagull inquired.

“I’ve been okay,” Randy replied. “I’m just glad it's finally summer.”

“Tell me about it,” the whale agreed with a giggle. “The sun feels so nice, especially after that long winter we had.”

“Anything new?” the seagull asked, hopping up and down in anticipation.

“Not much. Sorry, Charlie,” Randy said vaguely. Charlie had both an unhealthy obsession with gossip and also a tendency to spread said gossip across the globe within days. The less said to him, the better.

“I’ve got something new,” the beluga whale interjected. “You know Cala Maria? The siren that lives near Inkwell Isle? Rumor has it she’s been acting _super_ weird lately.”

“Really?” Charlie leaned in, a smirk on his face. “Molly, my dear friend, please tell me more.”

Randy silently hoped she would stop there, but unfortunately luck was not on his side.

“I was visiting Emily yesterday when I saw her out in the open sea. She was just freaking out all by herself over…” Molly paused, “...I don't know what, but it must be something good. I asked Emily, and she said Cala’s been like that for the past week or so.”

Randy recalled the rather strange encounter with the siren just earlier that day. He had originally pushed it out of his mind, not wanting to deal with whatever drama she had gotten herself into. Apparently, he wasn't the only one who had noticed her behavior.

“Say, Randy,” Charlie suddenly spoke up. “You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?”

“Uh…” Cala specifically told him to not say a word, so he held his tongue. “No, sorry.”

Charlie raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. “You’ve got that look on your face. You know something.”

“I don't know what you’re talking about,” Randy mumbled. He wished he wasn't such a bad liar.

“Chill out, Charlie,” Molly scolded, shooting a sympathetic look at the dolphin. “Maybe he’s not supposed to tell us.”

“Aww, come on,” Charlie whined. “You’re killing me here! Look, I promise I won’t say a word.”

“Yeah right,” Randy scoffed.

“I mean it this time!” Charlie hopped onto Randy’s nose and gave him his best puppy dog look. “Pleeeeaaaase?”

Randy rolled his eyes. He knew his friend wasn't going to give up that easily. With Charlie’s persistence, there was no way he was going to be left alone. 

It couldn't hurt, could it? There was a chance that Charlie wouldn't even know who Cala was talking about, or that he might actually keep his promise this time. Neither seemed likely, but you never know. Plus, it would keep the seagull off his back for a while. 

“Fine,” Randy sighed, shaking Charlie off of him. “I talked to her this morning. She said something about one of the isle residents liking someone else, I think.” 

Charlie’s eyes gleamed. “Oooh, romance gossip. I love it! Who is it?” 

Randy hesitated, struggling to remember the name. “...Cagney, I think his name was?” 

Charlie’s jaw dropped. “You’re lying.” 

“That ol’ grump?” Molly asked in awe. 

Well, shoot. They both knew who it was. There’s wasn't much he could do about it now except hope neither of them spilled the beans. He knew Molly would most likely resist the urge, but Charlie was much more of a chatterbox than she was. 

“Who does he like?” Molly inquired further. “Or are you not supposed to say?” 

Charlie rubbed his wings together deviously. “Imma try to guess. Um...ooh! Is it the space lady?” 

“Space lady?” Molly echoed, confused. 

“You know, the tiny chick that’s always hanging around him. Long nose, real thin.” 

"Oh, you mean Hilda?” 

“Yeah, her.” 

They knew the residents very well, it seemed. “Yep, that’s her,” Randy admitted weakly. 

"Ha ha!” Charlie laughed in triumph. “About time that weed fell for her!” 

Molly’s eyes sparkled with delight. “Aww, they would make such a cute couple!” 

Charlie turned to the dolphin, a cheeky grin on his face. “Randy, pal, thank you for this...enlightening information.” 

“Whatever man, just _please_ don't say anything,” Randy pleaded. The last thing he needed was for Cala to find out and turn him into stone for the rest of his life. 

Charlie scoffed, waving a wing dismissively. “I won't, I won't. Geez, you have no faith in me.” 

\--- 

This lesson was by far Djimmi’s personal favorite. It was a little challenging to get his clients on board with the idea, but it was a real treat when done right. There was something about a man trying to flirt with a genie dressed as a woman (or another man, he didn't judge) that sent him rolling on the floor laughing. 

He saved most of his giggles for afterwards, however. As much as it tickled him, the lesson was actually meant to be taken seriously for a number of reasons. 

Surprisingly, Cagney was doing pretty well with the first stage. He got the hang of it pretty rapidly and, despite the strangeness of it all, seemed rather determined to get it right. To say Djimmi was proud of him was an understatement. There were still things to work on, though. Things that were a little harder for the carnation to recognize. 

Djimmi floated back into the living room. “Alright. What’s different about me?” 

Cagney stared at him blankly. “Uh...you look the exact same.” 

“No, I’m not.” Djimmi gestured up to the brown wig. “I curled my hair, you see?” 

“Oh.” Cagney tried to shrug it off. “I knew that. It, uh, looks nice, I guess.” 

Normally, with that level of awkwardness, Djimmi would ask the client to try again, but it was Cagney so he accepted the answer. “Why thank you, good sir,” he said with a wide grin, batting his eyelashes. 

“Oh my God, please stop making this weirder,” Cagney groaned, his petals threatening to close over his reddening face. 

Djimmi shook his head. “No can do. This has to be strange in order to work.” 

“Why are we even doing this?” Cagney asked. 

“In order to train you to notice the little things,” Djimmi replied matter-of-factly. 

“No, I mean-” Cagney motioned to the outfit. “-all this.” 

Djimmi pursed his lips. “One more try and I’ll tell you, okay?” 

“I- fine,” Cagney sighed. 

Djimmi floated back into the other room, making sure to close the door behind him. He hovered there for a few minutes, twiddling his thumbs. 

He couldn't blame Cagney. In fact, when he first started using this tactic, he found himself hesitant to follow through with it as well. It took a few acting lessons from Sally and quite a few clients in order to get used to it. He knew it would work, though. Most of his lessons were...different, he would admit, but they never failed. The means of which he got the knowledge were not something to be proud of, but hey; he didn't owe a soul anymore. 

Djimmi waited a little bit longer for good measure before returning to the living room. “Alright, what’s different?” he asked, hoping the other would notice. 

Cagney narrowed his eyes. “Okay, now I _know_ you look the exact same.” 

Djimmi smiled. “Correct, my friend! You’re getting the hang of this.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Cagney muttered impatiently. “Now will you tell me why this is happening?” 

“I’m going through this lesson because I wanted to see how determined you are,” Djimmi explained, pleased with himself. “After a normal amount of reluctance, you were willing to do what I asked, showing that you are in fact taking this as seriously as you should.” 

Cagney paused. “Wait, I spent five hours telling you a wig looks good for _that?”_

“For now, yes. But, this will come into play later, I promise you.” 

Cagney’s eye twitched. He facepalmed. “Oh my God, why.” 

Djimmi summoned a few puffs of dust and replaced the outfit with his normal turban and vest. “You should be proud,” he remarked, adjusting the feather until it stood upright. 

"Proud of what, exactly?” Cagney snarked. 

“The progress you made. It was quite impressive, actually.” 

“Sure.” 

Djimmi was rather taken aback at how dismissive the answer was. “I’m serious. Keep it up, and I think you’ll be ready before the end of the week.” 

Cagney looked up. “Wait, really?” 

“Mmhmm.” 

The carnation blinked in genuine surprise. “Huh,” was all he said. 

Djimmi wondered what he was thinking about. Hopefully the carnation was starting to feel a little more optimistic about the whole thing. At the end of the day, self-confidence was key for winning over someone. 

“Plus,” the genie added casually, “I think we’ve really bonded over the past few days.” 

"Now that, I am not proud of.” 

“Ouch.” 


End file.
